Brother Jack

“I tripped on a curb at recess and scraped both my knees.”

This is a regular occurrence for him. It is not a surprise.

His twin sister responded, “Awwww buddy, I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“What do you mean?”

(She is four inches shorter and ten pounds lighter.)

“I am your big sister, it’s my job to protect you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Clearly disgruntled, “You are one minute older than me. I don’t need you to protect me.”

I thought it was adorable. His knees are fine.

I just disposed of a set of Sony MDR-CD60 headphones. They are consumer grade headphones but they have been with me for a long time. I purchased these headphones at a Best Buy store while I was working on my very first record. Most serious audiophiles wouldn’t give a second listen with these headphones. I knew them like they were my own ears. I listened to so much music through these headphones. I mixed all of my early work with them. (The pitfalls of mixing with headphones is a conversation for another day.) I’m going to miss these headphones. Honestly, they have not been useful or even functional for a long time. I guess it’s time to get rid of them. The foam in the padding is deteriorating and leaving black dust all through my microphone bin. If it wasn’t for the mess, I would have kept them forever. Thanks for 20 years of exceptional service.

We were watching the movie IF. It is a good movie but this post is not about the movie. In this story “IF” stands for Imaginary Friend. This post is about imaginary friends.

Do all kids have imaginary friends? My little girl had a lot of imaginary friends. She was constantly talking to them and sharing stories about their fun adventures. One day, her twin brother couldn’t take it anymore. “Your friends aren’t real and they can’t fly.”

In case you were wondering, my imaginary friend was called Lemmy and he moved to Florida when I was six.

The twins have been “helping” me with grocery shopping. It’s fun and not nearly as stressful as you might imagine. We buy far more baked goods than I would if I were by myself. And somehow, despite my good intentions, we come home with very few vegetables. It’s been a fun learning experience for all three of us. It hasn’t been easy to come up with anything resembling an actual meal but we won’t run out of chocolate any time soon.

Why do coins accumulate in random spots like the banister of the stairs? Where did we get the coins? Who picked this spot? How did we decide that the banister was where they should accumulate? Also, what is the story with that little tiny star? Do you see it?

I have eaten rabbit on more than one occasion. Most of the time it was delicious. It’s the kind of meat that has to be prepared correctly or it isn’t worth the effort. The thing is, if you are roasting some rabbit and you call it a bunny, I am not eating that. Bunnies are cute and cuddly. They are not meat. Names matter.

The first day of school is brutal but not because of the loneliness. That won’t set in until next week. It is the paperwork. There is a ridiculous amount of paperwork. It’s worse than buying a house. It is on the level of an elective surgery combined with a personal loan… per child.

“Do you give permission for your child to use the internet?”

”Do you give permission for the internet thing even though you know that the internet has bad stuff on there?”

”Do you understand that there will be repercussions if your child looks at the bad stuff on the internet?”

”Homework is an important part of the school process, do you understand that your child will have homework?”

”If your child doesn’t come to school, they can’t get the benefits of school. Will you make sure to send your child to school?”

When I was a kid, the paperwork was very different.

Do you like me? Check yes or no.

We went for a stroll around the neighborhood. I needed to stretch my lungs after a recent viral situation. We passed an old tree stump firmly entrenched in a neighboring backyard. It was covered in big shelf mushrooms. There was also a squirrel standing on top of the stump. My son said, “Look at that fun guy.” Maybe what he said was “fungi.”

I livestream on Facebook every weekday morning, except for today. I’ve been a little under the weather this week. There was a fever, I was achy, and now it seems like a sinus thing. But this morning, I thought I was feeling better. I was up and ready to go. But then I sat down in the recliner. I must have fallen asleep. Around 9:00, I found myself in the chair with a cold cup of coffee. Missing the breakfast show helped me realize that I hadn’t actually written my Daily Dispatch for today. I feel like I can remember writing a post. When I checked, there was nothing. it must have been a delusional dream. I bet it was more interesting than this one.

Today, I want to talk about a certain part of human nature. I will be intentionally vague about the names and circumstances to protect the guilty. I was vetting someone for a significant volunteer situation. During a four minute conversation, this individual conveyed a very elaborate list of their personal conquests related to the volunteer situation. Maybe they just wanted to validate their experience but it felt like a giant red flag. I am all about putting your trophies on the mantle but that seems like a completely different thing. If you begin a situation by insisting on your superiority, you don’t have any room for improvement.

I am not a brand name guy. I buy the big bags of breakfast cereal from the bottom shelf. Despite my general use of generic products, I had an overwhelming urge to buy a hat at Carnegie Mellon University. As soon as Hannah was moved in and happy, I went to the campus store. I am a proud father and I have the hat to prove it.

Well, she is gone. Hannah moved into her dorm at Carnegie Mellon University. Everyone keeps telling me how difficult it will be to leave her at college. It seems that there is an expectation that I should be an emotional wreck about her going to school. I have been worried that something is wrong with me because I don’t feel sad about this situation. I know what it is. I am just so excited for her. There are so many amazing opportunities waiting for her. There is so much potential. She could do anything. I am too excited to feel sad.

It seems like a good time to revisit the concept of the bone pile. The bone pile is a big collection of song ideas, partial lines, or verses. They aren’t amazing but I could never part with them due to sentimental factors. When I can’t finish a song, the bones of the idea get thrown into a big pile where they simmer and stew until the time is right. Some ideas will take up space on the bone pile until the end of time. Occasionally a song will emerge from the pile, fully formed, a rearrangement of previous snippets.

I had an idea for a song. It was going to be called “Broken Man.” There were some lines that I liked but it just didn’t make sense. I kicked it to the bone pile in frustration. Then I found myself in a writing session with my friend Steve (aka Dr Dobro) and it all clicked. He added the tag for all of the verses and it made it all work. It’s now called “Profit.” If you are keeping score at home, this song spent less than 24 hours on the bone pile. That might be the shortest turnaround time in the history of the bone pile.

Every Tuesday, I post an “Unnecessary Banjo Cover” to social media. This week’s selection was “Kokomo,” a song originally performed by the Beach Boys. I typically rely on the platform tools to add captions. The robots associated with all the platforms struggled to discern the words I was singing in this video. They just couldn’t figure out the word “Kokomo.” The following are some of my favorite mistakes.

Kokomo:

Pokémon

Cuomo

Cocoa Moe

Cold Remote

Not helpful.

“Way down in Kokomo.”

It was a proud moment.

“Hey, Pops. Can we watch some more of the Three Stooges?”

Yes. Yes, we can.

I wrote this new song with my friend Steve.

The twins are about to start the fourth grade. At their school, fourth grade is when they have the opportunity to attempt learning an instrument. They are both signed up and excited. We have high expectations when it comes to musical endeavors.

“I know you guys think I should play a wind instrument. I think it will be fun to try but I really would rather play the piano. You gotta use your mouth to play a wind instrument. But with the piano, you could eat a snack while you were playing…”

That’s my boy.

“A rose by any other name…” I have never really understood that phrase but I think the important takeaway is that a name is powerful. My kids just asked me about the history of last names. It was less a question about our specific surname and more about the origin of names in general. I know about my cultural heritage but I have no knowledge about the origins of my name. I think surnames were often tied to occupation. I have no idea what a “Jack” did for a living. I don’t need to know the origins of my surname to know who I am. I guess a deeper understanding of my roots could change my personal identity but I feel fairly confident that I am not defined by my name. Is there a language where the word “Jack” means average guy who eats ice cream to solve his problems?

School starts in a little less than two weeks. We just got our teacher assignments for the fourth grade. The twins are not in the same classroom. They have different teachers. This will be the first time in their nine years of life that they haven’t been together. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? We will soon find out. I am overly confident that it will be great.

I got called up to pinch hit.

If you have been keeping score at home, you might remember that I recently had a gig playing for our local minor league baseball team. It’s always a fun experience. The act that was scheduled to play tonight had an unfortunate medical emergency. I was called to fill in.

My kids were available to come along this time. I made them carry my gear in exchange for ridiculously overpriced hotdogs. I played some music. Lots of baseball fans danced to my CCR covers. We ate hotdogs and cracker jacks. There was a fireworks display set to the Superman Theme by John Williams.

I can’t remember the final score of the game but I know that I was the winner.